Journal Entry January 11, 2012
This morning as I sit having remorse for my actions yesterday-constantly hollering and being irritable. I sat my children around me before bed and told them something was wrong with me. If they acted the way I had been they would have been sent to their rooms for a “time out”. Mom need a big time out right now. I told them what good kids they were and that in no way was it who they were or anything that they were doing that made mommy act this way. It was me, ALL ME, and I was making bad choices. I definitely think something is wrong with me. I go through this cycle frequently it seems. But the longer or the more I go through them the less I feel. I use to cry and get emotional when I would be out of control like this. I don’t feel justified in what I am experiencing and doing. I do feel that I will be held accountable before God one day for my actions and their affects on others. I guess it is worrying me that it this constant state of irritability, shouting, annoyance, impatience seems to be a daily-all day state for me.
I tried to explain to my children as they sat around me that all I ever wanted to be was a mom! That’s what I dreamed of being. I told them what good kids they were and how they deserved a better mom than who I am to them. I told them how I wanted to be a more patient, loving, and kind mom. I was so blessed to have them and that they bring me so much joy. I know that they way we all feel when I am in this state (yelling, shouting, screaming, feeling on the verge of loosing physical control of myself) that not one of us feels love or joy in our hearts. IT'S AWFUL!
This morning as I was reading some material in preparation for a YW Retreat that I am putting together for our Lovell 2nd Ward. I started thinking about counsel from many leaders that the best thing you can do for your children is love your spouse.
When we feel loved we feel validated. Our days are filled with love, happiness, and laughter. When we are discouraged and act out with negative behaviors.
My sisters father-in-law always tells his daughters-in-laws that if their husbands are not being good to them to let them know. I think he understands that when a mother or women in general feel loved we are going to feel valued, appreciated, understood, kind, loving etc. This makes them better spouses and mothers. This goes full circle too. If women are doing this for their husbands they are allowed to shine as an individual too.
This Christmas I gave Jack a gift of “Things I love about you!” taking time to write down all the things I loved about him. I know I didn’t get them all recorded, but that simple exercise made me remember how blessed I am to have him. Forget about the things that frustrate me with him at times and focus strictly on the good. It felt good and it changed the way we have been treating each other. Jack may felt validated, loved, noticed, and appreciated. Often times we get to busy with the day to day living and forget to truly do things that are important to helping us feel and be more productive.
I keep telling Jack when these rock bottom horrible behaviors appear that I need to get some professional help. I need someone to help me step out of the situations and see solutions. I need to learn to have self control and manage my anger. I feel this way because it is detrimental to not only mine, but his and my children's spiritual well being, their self-confidence, and self acceptance.
I never thought myself to be an angry person. I have always been on the ornery, uptight, and serious side though. I do have a silly and creative side and when that light breaks through the clouds and shines it always feels so good and makes me happy as well as those around me. (That’s why I like planning these retreats) I use to consider myself to be thoughtful towards others, but I don’t see myself as thoughtful as I once was.
I know as we experience life and the years pass that we grow in many different ways. I just want to grow in positive ways and not so many negative ways. I know that I am not beyond help. I know through the Savior there is always hope. I just hope that I can get this aspect of my life under control, because right now it feels completely out of control.
I need divine help to change and the road will be filled with little bumps along the way, but Jack,my kids, my family relationship, my friends and having a better relationship with them is all worth the uphill climb I have in front of me because I love them!
Jill
