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Journal Entry January 11, 2012

This morning as I sit having remorse for my actions yesterday-constantly hollering and being irritable. I sat my children around me before bed and told them something was wrong with me. If they acted the way I had been they would have been sent to their rooms for a “time out”. Mom need a big time out right now. I told them what good kids they were and that in no way was it who they were or anything that they were doing that made mommy act this way. It was me, ALL ME, and I was making bad choices. I definitely think something is wrong with me. I go through this cycle frequently it seems. But the longer or the more I go through them the less I feel. I use to cry and get emotional when I would be out of control like this. I don’t feel justified in what I am experiencing and doing. I do feel that I will be held accountable before God one day for my actions and their affects on others. I guess it is worrying me that it this constant state of irritability, shouting, annoyance, impatience seems to be a daily-all day state for me.

I tried to explain to my children as they sat around me that all I ever wanted to be was a mom! That’s what I dreamed of being. I told them what good kids they were and how they deserved a better mom than who I am to them. I told them how I wanted to be a more patient, loving, and kind mom. I was so blessed to have them and that they bring me so much joy. I know that they way we all feel when I am in this state (yelling, shouting, screaming, feeling on the verge of loosing physical control of myself) that not one of us feels love or joy in our hearts. IT'S AWFUL!

This morning as I was reading some material in preparation for a YW Retreat that I am putting together for our Lovell 2nd Ward. I started thinking about counsel from many leaders that the best thing you can do for your children is love your spouse.

When we feel loved we feel validated. Our days are filled with love, happiness, and laughter. When we are discouraged and act out with negative behaviors.

My sisters father-in-law always tells his daughters-in-laws that if their husbands are not being good to them to let them know. I think he understands that when a mother or women in general feel loved we are going to feel valued, appreciated, understood, kind, loving etc. This makes them better spouses and mothers. This goes full circle too. If women are doing this for their husbands they are allowed to shine as an individual too.

This Christmas I gave Jack a gift of “Things I love about you!” taking time to write down all the things I loved about him. I know I didn’t get them all recorded, but that simple exercise made me remember how blessed I am to have him. Forget about the things that frustrate me with him at times and focus strictly on the good. It felt good and it changed the way we have been treating each other. Jack may felt validated, loved, noticed, and appreciated. Often times we get to busy with the day to day living and forget to truly do things that are important to helping us feel and be more productive.

I keep telling Jack when these rock bottom horrible behaviors appear that I need to get some professional help. I need someone to help me step out of the situations and see solutions. I need to learn to have self control and manage my anger. I feel this way because it is detrimental to not only mine, but his and my children's spiritual well being, their self-confidence, and self acceptance.

I never thought myself to be an angry person. I have always been on the ornery, uptight, and serious side though. I do have a silly and creative side and when that light breaks through the clouds and shines it always feels so good and makes me happy as well as those around me. (That’s why I like planning these retreats) I use to consider myself to be thoughtful towards others, but I don’t see myself as thoughtful as I once was.

I know as we experience life and the years pass that we grow in many different ways. I just want to grow in positive ways and not so many negative ways. I know that I am not beyond help. I know through the Savior there is always hope. I just hope that I can get this aspect of my life under control, because right now it feels completely out of control.

I need divine help to change and the road will be filled with little bumps along the way, but Jack,my kids, my family relationship, my friends and having a better relationship with them is all worth the uphill climb I have in front of me because I love them!

Jill

IF ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY ADVISE ON HOW TO GET A GRIP ON MYSELF I WOULD APPRECIATE HEARING IT! THANKS

The Bible and The Coal Basket

On Sunday a middle aged sister in our ward that I think is just an outstanding individual. She is pure, simple, and very kind & Charitable. She gave a wonderful talk on the 8th Article of Faith and the word of God in our lives. She shared this story and it was touching to me. As I visited with Dad and Mom this week about their MTC experiences I was telling dad that I really didn't want to go to Church and neither did Jack. We contemplated playing the sick card because Cameron wasn't well, but without another word being said to each other we were all dressed and ready to go. I am so thankful we didn't play hooky because I needed this little story, which inspired me to get back on track. We hope that our assumptions are right that we all go through periods of time when we are doing great and other times when we are not doing what we should as faithfully as we want to. We each are simply doing the best we can. I personally have been really laxed on my personal prayers and scripture study. As I shared this with dad he shared that he has used this concept and lesson many times in his talks. (Where have I been? I missed all of those great lessons!) So if you haven't been fortunate enough to hear dad share his teachings similar to this story I hope it is something you can just put in your little thought cap--we are Parrish's we all have them! ...LOL It may even come in handy to help you explain to your children when they are whining and complaining about having to get up early or stay up late (when ever you are striving to attempt this task) of reading scriptures or attempt FHE whatever it maybe. Love you all~Jill

The BIBLE & The Coal Basket

Distributed by email - Author unknown

The story is told of an old man who lived on a farm in the mountains of eastern Kentucky with his young grandson. Each morning, Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading from his old worn-out Bible.

His grandson who wanted to be just like him tried to imitate him in any way he could. One day the grandson asked,

"Papa, I try to read the Bible just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Bible do?"

The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and said, "Take this coal basket down to the river and bring back a basket of water." The boy did as he was told, even though all the water leaked out before he could get back to the house.

The grandfather laughed and said, "You will have to move a little faster next time," and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again.

This time the boy ran faster, but again the basket was empty before he returned home. Out of breath, he told his grandfather that it was "impossible to carry water in a basket," and he went to get a bucket instead. The old man said, "I don't want a bucket of water; I want a basket of water. You can do this. You're just not trying hard enough," and he went out the door to watch the boy try again. At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the water would leak out before he got far at all. The boy scooped the water and ran hard, but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty.

Out of breath, he said, "See Papa, it's useless!"

"So you think it is useless?" The old man said, "Look at the basket." The boy looked at the basket and for the first time he realized that the basket looked different. Instead of a dirty old coal basket, it was clean.

"Son, that's what happens when you read the Bible. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, it will change you from the inside out.

That is the work of God in our lives.

To change us from the inside out and to slowly transform us into the image of His son.

Take time to read a portion of God's word each day. Pray that He will use it to turn your heart and mind to Him.

Happy New Year 2010

My Dear Family,

I am writing my thoughts to you after taking a few minutes to reflect on the e-mail Tyler sent us. I invite you to read Elder Holland's Talk(-The Best is Yet to BE!) as a family and as individuals and allow yourself some quiet time with the spirit. As I read this article and tried to review 2009 and Look FORWARD to 2010. I realized I have much to do, with the Lords help!

The year 2009 has been challenging for each of us and our families in so many different ways. Often times we have no idea what each other is truly experiencing as we go through life day to day. I find great comfort in the Saviors atoning sacrifice and love for each of us. May we find the strength to forgive and forget the hurtful things of the past, LIVE for the FUTURE as it CAN BE and exercise FAITH in the LORD's custom plan for each of us, so that we can experience true and lasting HAPPINESS. I loved how Elder Holland stated, "Let People grow. Believe that people can change and improve." May we let and encourage each other to grow. I ask you now as a sister and a friend to believe in me that I can make the necessary changes and improve myself to become whom the Lord needs me to be. If I have hurt or offended any of you in 2009, I pray that you will find the strength to forgive me and even harder for all of us is the forgetting part. I need this gift from you. I loved Elder Holland's sand pale analogy. I am recommitting myself for 2010 to bury my bucket and shovel and strive to never speak guile.

I Love you all and my hearts desires for 2010 is to be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. May we pull together and strive for more JOY in OUR FAMILY--for the BEST IS YET TO BE--only IF YOU ARE ALL WITH ME when the end arrives! May we have NO EMPTY CHAIRS IN OUR HEAVENLY PARADISE. May this goal give us Faith, Hope, and Challenge to strive for in 2010.

With Hope, Warmth and Love

Jill

What Legacy Will We Leave Behind

I am currently in Mosiah 10 in my reading of the Book of Mormon and my commentary book. This morning I was grateful that the commentary book could provoke a deeper thought processes on a verse I am sure I would have just read over and not given it much more thought. Because I felt touched by its teachings I wanted to share it with you.

This chapter for me recaps the happening of Nephi and his family coming to the promise land across the sea. Vs. 13 tells how Laman, Lemuel and their posterity felt they were wronged.

Yes, Nephi was always favored of the Lord. The commentary reminds me that Lamen and Lemuel murmured against Lehi and Nephi because they new not the dealings of God, nor would they know him because they would not inquire of the Lord. "If no seed has been planted, one can hardly expect a rich and abundant harvest."

Verse 17. And thus they have taught their children that they should hate them, and that they should murder them, and that they should rob and plunder them, and do all they could to destroy them; therefore they have an eternal hatred towards the children of Nephi.

The commentary stated, "Have taught ....hate] Heaven's truths stand in the light of day: they teach love, patience, long-suffering, and forgiveness. False traditions feed on hatred and bitterness, which among many peoples have been passed from generation to generation. Hatred is a bitter seed that can produce nothing but bitter fruits."

The people of Zeniff had a pure intent. After the actions of war; they returned to tending their flocks, tilling the ground, and raising their families.

I personally feel that I am always falling short when it comes to teaching my children by example how to have patience, speak kindly, and having compassion for others when they are hurt (because I warned them to stop doing something they shouldn't be doing.).

So as I read this commentary, I questioned what kind of Legacy will I leave them that will be passed down from generation to generation. In know in my heart that I desire to plant seeds of love, happiness, tenderness, kindness etc. So that good seeds can sprout and grow. All to often the fruits that I see being produced in my children's actions are not in line with my desires. It is always a hard to realize they are acting that way because I have modeled it in some form.

Reading this help me realize that I have to give my actions a swift kick and do better for the sake of my children and their children. I must learn to relax about the non-important things and focus more on what had eternal consequences. Easier said then done for me. I pray that regardless of what type of mother I truly am, that in the long run my children will turn out alright because they have the light of Christ, know right from wrong, and can choose to the better path.

I share this to provoke thoughts for all of us about what type of legacy we will leave for our children. It is my prayer that it will be the Legacy of our Hearts, Minds, and Soul! Love You ALL!

Going on a BUG HUNT? Do you LOVE BUGS too?

Do you love bugs at your house as much as we do? Do you save empty Peanut Butter Jars to act as "cages" or "houses" for the creatures of the day?

Well last night I discovered the best recycled bug jar yet! We buy the large Kraft Parmesan Cheese containers at Costco. We empty one last night and I thought to myself--"You can't throw this away! It's the perfect bug jar. It already has two flaps that can be opened one for putting the captured into the jar and one to give our prisoners air." We are so excited about this new find that we can't wait to go out and hunt bugs.

Go GREEN and Capture Bugs! Enjoy your day!

How Do You Weed Your Garden? With A Pastry Blender!

I thought I would share an idea that I had; it is working out great for me. Do you all remember the little hand weeder that Brother John Pulley used? For the last two years of gardening/flower gardening too I have wanted to make my own. This year I have come up with a new use of a cheap pastry blender (I got mine at the dollar store). I tried a cheap cheese cutter to and it works okay but I can get much further down to the root of the weeds if I use the pastry blender. I use this pastry blender as my little hand weeder when my large hoe styled weeder is to big to fit between my plants and it has worked great. The only thing I really think would improve this would be to add a small pad around the handle so that it doesn't give me blisters when I have to weed for a long period.

After I got the garden weeded to my satisfaction I added PREEN (I bought a large box at Costco last year and fell in love with it!) a weed preventer for vegetable and flower gardens down which does an amazing job then I have simple weeding to do for the next 9-12 weeks.

I am all over the idea of using PREEN and a Pastry Blender. Give it a try and see how they work for you. I have spent far less time weeding the garden in the this year. Lov'n it!

Stinky Feet?!

Hey Girls I thought I would share a stinky feet tip with you that I recently learned. If you or your kids (or yourself for that matter ;-) )that have stinky use an anti-perspirant on your feet (doesn't matter if it is the spray, roll on etc.). I thought it was far out there so I asked Jack if he had ever heard of this and he said that he learned about it in his primary care rotation.

I don't have a problem with stinky feet very often, but come on people why are you holding out on this good advise! I thought that you too might find this enlightening and helpful.

Fable of the Farmer and the Mule

This is a great little fable I read about in a book titled, "Letters to Emily" by Camron Wright (p.144-45). It is a book where a grandfather writes to his granddaughter the wisdom he gained in living his life.  I absolutely love this FABLE and think it has many applications to our daily lives. I hope you enjoy it too, I hope it might give you a little pick me up if you are facing challenging times in your life at the moment.  The last paragraph is something I can see our Savior saying to me to remind me of his love.

Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a mule. The mule was old and was losing his sight. One day the mule stumbled into a abandoned well that lay on the farm.  He was shaken by the fall but not hurt, and as he attempted to get out of the well he began to bray. The old mule made so much noise that the farmer rushed to the well to find out what the commotion was about. The well was deep and the mule was old. The farmer figured the mule was injured and decided that the most prudent action would be to bury the old mule right then and there. The farmer retrieved a shovel from the barn and began shoveling the old well full of dirt. The mule was confused and concerned about what was happening as dirt began to land on his head and back. It appeared, that it was the end of him, until an amazing thing happened. Each time  a shovel full of dirt fell onto his back, he shook it off and stomped it into the ground beneath him. The more dirt that fell, the more he shook and stomped.  By the end of the day, he'd shaken and stomped long enough that even though the well did fill up, he stayed on top. With the well sufficiently full, he stepped out and walked, exhausted, to his stall in the barn.

In life there will be people who will throw dirt on you. If you shake it off and don't let it build up, like the old mule, you'll be able to rise above those dark situations that will occur in your life.

Life is often difficult. But know also that you will never be alone. When you feel a warm breeze on a cool summer evening and you suddenly remember me, I'll be there. When you've climbed as high as you possibly can climb and your body will go no farther, I'll be behind you to push you up one more step. When you fall, I'll be behind you to soften the pain. You will not see me, but I will always be there.

A Simple Poem-With a great message!

I recently heard this poem quoted and it touched me and made me want to stop and remember what is really important to me...my family. I hope that my children feel of my deep and abiding love for them. I am trying to refocus my efforts to focus on the things that last! Because I don't want to miss it for the world or the things of this world. I know that everyday matters and we as mothers and sisters have a lasting impact on our family, friends, and neighbors. Thank you for mattering to me and being a part of my life! Enjoy the simpleness that life has to offer and be happy! With Love Jill

WHAT LAST?

Ice cream melts,


Flowers wilt,


The leaves of autumn fall.


Sunsets fade,


Seasons change,


And children don’t stay small.


Balloons pop,


Snowfalls stop—


Do summers last? 

Never!


Weekends fly,


Today will die,


But … 


FAMILIES ARE
FOREVER!

Rachelle F. A. Dow, “What Lasts?,” Friend, Oct 2000, 24